Love is one of the most
important, yet most misunderstood emotions we experience. Human brains are
naturally wired for connection with others, and we experience loneliness and
rejection as painful threats to survival. For both biological and cultural reasons,
many of us believe we need a lasting love relationship to be truly fulfilled.
Yet, in reality, love is not necessarily a lasting, unchanging state, nor is it
something that we find outside of us. Rather, the potential to love lies within
us – it’s a willingness to open our hearts and care about others. Long-time
love is not automatic, but takes hard work, unselfishness, and a willingness to
be vulnerable. Below are ten science-based facts to help you understand what
love really is – and what it isn’t.
1. Love is Different than Passion or Lust - Although physical attraction
is an important part of love for most of us, emotional love is different than
lust. That is why one-night stands and
alcohol-fueled hookups don’t automatically lead to long-term relationships.
Studies that scan the brain in real time show that we manifest lust or in
motivation/reward areas of our brains, while love lights up the parts of our
brain, connected to caring and empathy.
2. Love Is Both a Momentary
Feeling and a Long-Term State of Mind - New research shows we experience
love in the moment as a state of communion or deep connection. Two hearts beat
together as one (there’s something in that stereotype) in a resonant rhythm. In
this moment of connection, people in love mirror each other’s facial
expressions, gestures, and physiological rhythms. On the other hand, love can
also be a lasting mental and emotional state in which we care deeply for the
wellbeing of another, feel moved by their pain and motivated to help relieve
their suffering or protect them. We also share in the joy when they feel happy.
Witness all the proud parents at college graduation ceremonies!
3. Building Lasting Love Relationships Takes Work - A meta-analysis
(numeric research summary) of the best studies of long-term loving
relationships highlighted a couple of behavior patterns that couples with
lasting love share. Among them, partners think of each other positively when
they are not together, support each other’s personal growth and development, and
undertake shared experiences in which they can learn and expand themselves.
4. We Can Actively Increase Our Capacity to Love - Research on
Mindfulness and Self-Compassion show that practicing these strategies regularly
can change our brains to be more positive and empathetic in a matter of months.
Monks who regularly practice compassion meditation have a different rhythm of
brain alpha waves than beginning meditators or the average person. Mindfulness
and compassion meditations increase activity in brain centers connected with
empathy and positive emotions, and decrease activation of fear centers, as well
as making our brains more interconnected – a brain pattern associated with the
secure attachment pattern.
5. Love Is Not Just In Your Head - A large body of research shows
that loving connection is essential to long-term physical health. Loneliness
and lack of social connections has been shown to shorten our lifespans as much
as smoking. Just being a member of a Church, synagogue, or community group
lessens this effect. For men in
particular, marriage improves long-term health and the death of a spouse is a
risk factor for earlier death. We don’t know if this is because wives encourage
their spouses to eat properly and go to the doctor or if it’s due to the
emotional and physical connection.
6. If We Focus on Love, We Can Enhance It - When we deliberately
focus our attention on loving feelings and actions towards our loved one, we
begin a positive spiral of mutual appreciation, happiness, and
reciprocity. Let’s face it, we all want
to be thought about, cared for and appreciated. Research on gratitude shows
that expressing gratitude in words or actions actually creates positive
emotions in the giver as well as the receiver.
7. Love Is Not a Fixed Quantity - Loving one person a lot does not
mean you have less to give to others. In fact the opposite is true. Love is a
capacity you can build within yourself with mental concentration, emotional
engagement, and caring actions. When we
focus on and savor our loving feelings for one person, the internal feelings of
satisfaction and connection we experience can motivate us to be more loving in
general.
8. Love is Not Unconditional - One of the preconditions for loving
feelings is a sense of safety and trust. In order to connect lovingly and
empathically, your prefrontal cortex has to send a signal to your amygdala –
the brain’s alarm center, to switch off your automatic “fight or flight”
response. People with childhood trauma, neglect, abuse, or other experiences
that threaten secure attachment, may have a harder time switching off
“fight-flight-freeze” and feeling safe enough to love. This reticence can be
overcome with therapy or, sometimes, by a partner who repeatedly demonstrates
trustworthiness and care. However, if your repeated expressions of care are not
reciprocated by any heart softening in your partner, it could be time for you
to consider moving on.
9. Love is Contagious - Expressions of caring, compassion, and
empathy can inspire these feelings in others.
This may be why great leaders, such as the Dalai Lama or Nelson Mandela,
inspire us to be our best selves and help their followers calm down “fight or
flight.” The story is told that Black youth in South Africa, suffering with
years of oppressive apartheid rule,” were ready to take up their guns in
violent uprising, but Mandela persuaded them that this was not the right way.
Instead, he set up the Truth and Reconciliation Commission as a forum for
people to confess political crimes and for victims to work towards forgiveness.
10. Love Is Not Necessarily Forever, but It Can Be - Shakespeare
famously wrote in Sonnet 116 that “Love is not love that alters when it
alteration finds.” We now know that
fixed, unchanging love is possible, but not the norm. In fact, some theorists even question the
idea of a fixed, unchanging “self.” We
are not the same person today as we were 10 years ago. Life experience can
alter our biology, thought patterns, and behavior. Therefore, relationships may be challenged
when one person’s needs change or people grow in different directions. That
being said, researcher Art Aron and colleagues at Stony Brook University have shown
that a minority of people reporting long-term, intense love for their partners
look the same as newly in love individuals on brain scans, when thinking about
their partners.
In summary, love is part hearts and flowers and the stuff romantic
movies are made of, and part hard work and commitment. We can love many people,
not only our partners and love makes us healthier and happier. A peak experience in the moment, love can
also be a lasting facet of our lives, encompassing many different relationships
and experiences.
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